When Anxieties Burst Through Writing
How writing reveals fears that my conscious mind refuses to acknowledge
📍Hoi An, Vietnam
The last few days have been very tense. I feel like it's hard for me to write, hard to concentrate, and honestly I'm surprised that the war in Israel affects me like this.
Maybe there are other factors too - moving to a new country, the whole hospital incident I went through, thoughts about the future that somehow returned in the form of anxiety.
They've become negative again in the style of "What if I fail? What if I run out of money? What if I return to Israel and don't fly again because I haven't planned an exit yet?"
Ah ha! There you are! Why don't my fears dare to roam freely in my conscious mind, and I only manage to get them out through writing? What is this specific portal? I thought I was already managing to recognize them better, but it turns out they still only know one way to "come out."
Okay, so now that I see this is what's really stressing me out - probably more than the war - returning to Israel without an exit ticket. Which means I might "get stuck there" and that would constitute failure for me.
How do I solve this? What can I decide with myself, even promise, to get myself out of this anxiety?
I don't want this to sound like I hate being in Israel, or that I have something against my country. Rather, that's not my goal - I want to continue wandering, I have dreams to fulfill, and they don't include living in Israel.
I understand this is what really scares me, because even right now when I'm in Germany, I still don't have an exit ticket from here to get to visit Israel - obviously because of the security situation. And this doesn't "scare" me like the fact that I don't have an exit ticket from Israel.
Here in Germany, I've mapped out my options, and I know exactly what I can and want to do the moment I finish the house-sit. I understand I'll decide at the last moment, and that's perfectly fine.
But regarding the visit to Israel, I don't know where I want to go afterward, and this creates anxiety.
For months I've been telling people I meet that I'm coming to visit Israel, and after that I'll probably return to Southeast Asia. But it's not certain at all, and I haven't thought about a specific country, which makes the idea a distant, unattainable dream.
I know this very well - and if there's something I've learned on this journey it's that plans must be broken down into small steps, with specific dates, and only then can you execute them. Otherwise, they remain distant dreams.
So why am I not doing this already? Why do I keep postponing this task that should give me peace and tranquility? What's more important than this?
Let's see what the subconscious says:
A. You said it's worth seeing what house-sits will be available after the visit to Israel - and for that, you need to wait until "the last moment" - and this is the price of spontaneity, uncertainty until it happens.
B. You're in Israel, with family, which means you're flexible and can choose house-sits suitable for you according to flexible dates, and not compromise on places you're not interested in living in just because you "have to."
C. You also said it might be cheaper to pay rent in Southeast Asia than to live for free in Europe, so you need to check if there are house-sits in cheaper European countries, or Asia etc. And at the same time search for a country that interests you in Southeast Asia. You previously talked about Sri Lanka, Taiwan, Cambodia - what happened to those? Run a quick internet search and see if there's something that speaks to you.
D. I understand that with too many options, you can't do anything. This is natural, it's okay, and it very much corresponds with the recent videos you saw on Facebook about ADHD. Interesting.
Read this list again, and start checking out interesting countries. Soon you'll understand there's nothing to stress about - you're not going to stay in Israel forever, you're flexible, you have many options, and you'll choose from them the most suitable one for that moment.
Embrace spontaneity, get used to it - you'll only benefit. Because that's life, and even if you plan, things can go wrong. So the approach I suggest is decide on several relevant options, and when the moment comes, choose what's most right for you.
Relax, everything's fine, you're still fulfilling dreams.
I feel like an alcoholic who was clean for two years, and now has succumbed again to the bitter drop. These days I'm scrolling Facebook non-stop to see what people are saying and to be connected as much as possible, but I understand this hurts me.
It hurts the big process I went through with myself, the withdrawal from these networks, cleaning the brain and soul together. I'm still "drinking," every day, waiting for the moment I'll start counting again "clean - day 1".
And then there's the emotional eating. I don't stop eating these days, I feel like no matter what I eat I'm still hungry. It's exhausting, but I deeply understand this need to "feel good now."
On days like these, fear and anxiety take up all the space, and there's not much left for joy and peace. So food enables this, even for a moment. And maybe it's actually a survival action - when I'm scared or stressed, I first eat, doesn't matter if I'm hungry or not.
Like it's my body's default setting - first provide energy, because who knows what will happen and maybe I'll need it.
It's survival.
Now that I know what really scares me, I can deal with it much more effectively. Instead of worrying about the war (which I have no control over), I can focus on planning my future (which I do have control over).
Maybe because in writing I don't need to deal with immediate reactions, don't need to defend or explain. I can simply be with my fears, give them space, and then talk to them.
This inner dialogue is one of my strongest tools. It's not just another voice in my head - it's really a conversation with the wiser part of me, the one that sees the big picture and knows how to calm me.
In the end, I always come out of writing with more clarity and less fear. Not because the problems are solved, but because they're no longer hiding in the dark.
Your support helps me to continue experiencing new worlds and sharing them with you through my words. Sometimes, a single cup of coffee can make a difference.
Thank you for being part of this journey.